When writing about parent-child relationships, it can be hard to know where to start. What made you decide to use shopping for your mother’s headstone as a launching point to explore your family dynamics?
I’d been wanting to explore my family dynamics for some time, but I wasn’t sure where the “story” would begin and end. I had several concepts and moments that I wanted to link together, but I didn’t know where to start. Then, shortly after taking the trip I wrote about, I had lunch with a friend and told her about buying the headstone. She said, “You should write about that.” I didn’t see it at first—write a story about shopping for a headstone? But the more I thought about it, I envisioned that as the situation that could structure the story I wanted to tell—of family dynamics.
In the essay, you ponder the ways in which family obligations shape our relationships to others and ourselves. Did writing this essay provide any answers or were you left with more questions?
Working on this essay allowed me to think about myself and my relationships in a way I hadn’t done before. Yes, I did walk away with greater insight into why I chose certain paths or made certain decisions.
You describe your role as a dutiful daughter early on, but later reclaim your agency by pushing back on a request your mother makes. Was it difficult to write about defying your mother’s expectations?
I’ve always hated to upset my mom—it’s the worst feeling! And I’ve tried very hard throughout my life to try to keep that to a minimum. But as I’ve gotten older and have reached middle age, I’ve noticed more feelings of autonomy—like, hey, maybe I don’t need to do this thing. That’s new for me (maybe what some other people felt as teenagers!), and more than being difficult to write about it, it’s felt curious, almost out-of-body.
Were you worried about your mother’s reaction to any of the family secrets or conflicting feelings you shared in your essay?
I hope if my mom ever reads this essay, that she’d know it was written with the utmost love and respect; it’s an homage of sorts. I feel she has a powerful and important story, and that our story together—how we are of each other and impact one another but are still separate individuals—has a real beauty to it.
Although writing about your mother’s headstone could have been a heavy topic, there are also funny moments woven throughout your essay. Did these moments of humor come naturally, or did you have to search for them?
They came naturally! I share my sense of humor with my mother, and we’ve always been able to laugh at ourselves, and find the absurd and humorous in life’s situations, even when those moments might be dark or challenging. Humor has been a steady and binding force for us.
What advice can you share with readers who might be interested in exploring their own complex family relationships through writing?
At the start of the writing process, I don’t think about who might read a certain piece or how they might react to it. I just let myself explore, because there are many steps between that initial exploration and getting something published. Don’t get hung up on who might read your work too early in the process.
Who are your favorite authors, and how did they influence you?
There are so many amazing authors! I enjoy hearing different stories and I try to read as many different voices as possible, so I rarely end up reading the same author multiple times. That being said, I’d respond:
–Sarah Smarsh, because she writes about family, socioeconomic issues and intergenerational aspects of socioeconomics in a way that’s very relatable to me. Her work has provided me with a road map of what I’d aspire to do with my own writing.
–Jenny Lawson, because she writes about tough issues humorously. Her work gives validation that yes, you can write about dark topics, and they can still be legitimately funny.
–Natalie Diaz, because her use of language is brilliant, and her poems pack a literal gut punch. The way she writes about her relationship with her brother just breaks me. Her work really resonates with me.
And I’ve only read As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner, but I must mention him, or at least that book. In eighth grade, my teacher gave me a copy of it—I really don’t know why he gave it to me! But I’m thankful he did, because reading that book was the first time I saw characters that felt like people I knew, and it made think that I could write stories about the world I was familiar with.
What writing projects are you currently working on, and what helps you move them forward?
I try to stick to working on one “new” piece at a time, and then there’s always a few “completed” essays that need more revision, and I have a running list of ideas for future projects. Right now, I’m working on three interrelated short pieces (micro / flash). I try to “finish” an essay (get a completed first draft) before starting something new. This keeps me moving work forward, because I’m always so excited to get to the next idea on my waiting list! The thought of having a bunch of unfinished projects doesn’t sit well with me. I really like to finish things.
